7 Things a Lazy Person Should Not Buy

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Sometimes I get a little worried about writing ANYTHING.  I know that in one year I am going to be rolling my eyes at how dumb Old (Young?) Me was.  I tend to look at old papers and think, “Gosh! At 10 years old I was SO juvenile.  What was I thinking?”  I’m hard on myself like that.  So I took a year off blogging, for many reasons, but subconsciously because I was afraid of my Me-in-One-Year self.  And then I decided to start blogging again, but I made myself promise not to write anything teachy or preachy.  The only thing I know, now,  is that I don’t know anything.  But then, having thus destroyed my own credibility, I took my own advice, decided I didn’t know anything, and decided to write you THIS. And Imma gonna link up with Jen Cari. Cuz that’s what I do.

7 Things a Lazy Person Should Not Buy

(Note: Dear Smart Lazy reader, I am not talking to you.  You know who you are.  You are the person who is “so lazy that I do all these genius things to make my life easier”.  You very well may be lazy, but you have it together. I hate you. Not really.  I love you.  I want to be you.  That’s not happening.  The following post is written for folks like me: Dumb Lazy Folk.)

1) Any toy requiring batteries 

The only things with batteries that work around our house are cell phones.  Because we have 50 bazillion chargers and because we don’t have a house phone. Everything else requiring batteries — most exceptionally, but not limited to: toys — is dead.  When a toy runs out of batteries and a child requests enlivenment we either a) don’t have the correct battery, b) don’t know where the correct battery IS (I tried starting a Battery Box, but I can’t find it), c) in order to change the battery a screw driver is required (I started a Tool Box, but I can’t find it), or d) don’t care to have another annoying noisemaker trolling my house.  Whatever the situation, a battery-less toy only = clutter, straight up.  And the last thing Dumb Lazy Folk need is clutter.  When I don’t want people to judge me, I tell them “we do Montessori”, whatever that means.

fuzzy photo of an item that is constantly requiring batteries
fuzzy photo of an item that is constantly requiring batteries

2) Self-help books

I read self-help books like I eat up gluten-free chocolate cake.  We lazy folk love our self-help books.  We are in search of our easy button like Juan Ponce de León was in search of the fountain of youth. I’m like Simcha Fisher, who wrote: “I want to push a red button and wake up to find that everything’s better.

This is my life.

And I thoroughly expect, every. single.time. that the next self-help book is going to be the one.  I’m like the granny at the slot machines.  Now, you know I like books.  And I like feeling that inspirational high of “Yes!  Amen! Halleluia! I can clean my house in 15 easy minutes a day!” So I don’t listen to my own advice, and I buy any and all types of books with wild abandon. I am also knee-high in books and clutter, though.  So I should probably heed this one.

3) Hair products

Let me preface this by saying that I am not advocating that you not wash your hair. Or even not do your hair.  After all, I do want you to have friends and self-esteem. But just don’t have high expectations. And don’t go looking for the holy grail of poo, because it just don’t exist. Please, please don’t listen to people who say, “Here is my low maintenance hair do. Five minutes flat.”  Especially if those people have time and inclination to post said low-maintenance-hair-do on YouTube. You will not have the arm strength to do that braid. The mechanics of teasing your hair will defy you. The proper use of the proper product at the proper time will elude you. I have two words for you: high. bun. Learn it. Love it. Deal with it.

learn it. love it. deal with it.
learn it. love it. deal with it.

4) Anything from The Container Store and/or anything remotely resembling anything one might buy at The Container Store

When you walk into The Container Store you just know that if you could just “BUY ALL THE THINGS!!” that your life would run more smoothly.  Why, cleaning would actually be fun! Folding clothes and putting them up? A real joy.  You would even relish the job of switching out seasonal clothing.  No longer would thinking about 18 mos and 2T and 5T cause spontaneous brain combustion. Cooking would be easier because all your food would be contained so beautifully. It seems so simple.  And for most people, this store IS  a worthy mecca. For you and me, my fellow dumb lazy person, it is lies.  All lies.

A few years ago, after reading Organizing Solutions for People with ADHD at Jen’s suggestion, I realized that I should probably live my life as if I have ADHD and stop expecting complicated organizing solutions to solve all my problems.  When you are Dumb-Lazy it’s just too much.

5) Filing systems

This runs along the same logic as #4.  But repeat after me: “It’s not going to work.” You can make the prettiest system you are capable of (if you are true lazy folk, you are going to run out of steam after you buy all stuff but before you finish making all the pretty labels) but, honey, ain’t nothing gonna make your mail, receipts, dental records, manuals, etc. jump into those files.  Just accept the fact that you will be featured on a episode of Hoarders, film crews climbing over ceiling-high stacks of your records.

6) Anything thrifted that you intend to DIY or craft

Don’t pick up pallets:

Or paint chips:

Or pieces of old furniture:

You are not going to achieve this:

You are not going to do this:

You don’t have the attention span to end up with this:

honey, please, do you really think you have the skills for this?

I know it’s tempting.  I mean people DO this.  People you know and love do this.  I know.  I know.  I know them and love them, too. (Aggie, I’m looking at you.)

But we, dear lazy reader, we are lazy. Or maybe we are just lacking the gene that makes us capable of staring at a project long enough and with enough attention to detail to effect something lovely.  Don’t stencil, or paint, or build…don’t quilt, or crochet, or modge podge…

You are not going to take my advice on this.  Hope springs eternal in lazy soil. You are going to try.  You are going to try because you know that you have talent.  I know you have talent, too.  But we are lazy.  And when you finish crying over your unfinished project, come join me while we cry over how we are never going to get these unfinished projects cleaned up and organized, much less completed.

7) Anything that promises to make your life easier

They are onto us, folks.  They know that we are looking for something…anything…to make our lives easier.  It’s our Kryptonite.  And so all they have to do is slap a “makes life simpler” sticker on…anything…and we will probably give it a try.

Probably better for us to just not buy anything a’tall.

18 thoughts on “7 Things a Lazy Person Should Not Buy

  1. Too funny, Maia. I feel like I could have written this (not as well as you did, but you know). EsPECially about how it feel to look back at what you’ve written before. *cringe* And filing systems. Ohmygoodness.
    P.S. You’re not lazy. You just have three little kids and they are your top priority. But all the rest I agree with. 🙂

    • The funniest thing is that I am much LESS lazy now that I have children then before I had kids. When I think of all I could have accomplished with the time I had THEN with the energy and motivation and (most of all) discipline I have now, well…if I had time…I’d cry about it. I’m hoping that the discipline will stick? And then I can be one of those SuperGrandmas?

  2. Oh my goodness, I just stumbled over here clicking away on the quick takes blogroll, and I think I love you. Actually, I think I am you. Especially the Container Store and the filing systems. Thank you for allowing me to know that I am not alone. May I add, don’t buy the deluxe package of the school pictures every year, for every single child, thinking you will do some awesome framed collage with the results. I just got 4 fat picture envelopes from school, and I put them in the same pile as the envelopes from last year (and probably the year before), I keep thinking someday I will have this awesome picture wall, but that probably is not going to happen.
    Can’t wait to read more of your stuff.

    • Thanks! And YES! (If I had the money for the photos I’ve printed because I’m going to do-a-photo-wall-create-a-diy-canvas-sort-them-chronologically-into-photobooks…well…I’d be richer.)

  3. ohmygosh, you had me laughing out loud, especially with #6. Too funny. Although I must say that a couple years back I would have agreed with all these takes but as I’ve gotten older I’ve improved a bit in some of these areas. So who knows, in a couple years you may be posting about your amazing DIY project or mad organizational skills. 😉

  4. Too funny! And terribly truthful. Now I feel incredibly lazy. 🙂
    I like to just look at ideas on Pinterest without any intention of actually trying them.
    ~ Erika Marie (via 7 quick takes link up)

  5. I am dying. Dying of laughter. Maia, these are so right on. My favorite lines are when you talked about your ten year old writing and ” Hope springs eternal I lazy soil.” Where do you live? We need to hang out, lazily, together.

    • Michaela, I’m in WA and I hang out in OR a lot. So I think there is definitely hope for us. You let me know if you come this way. I’ll let you know if I come that way.

  6. I think this list could also be, ‘7 things people with small children should not buy’. I know that I shouldn’t acquire this stuff but I keep hoping that some day I won’t be so tired and I’ll accomplish something. Maybe I should just admit I’m not tired…just lazy. Lazy people unite! …when we get the time and energy to do so…

    • I thin you are right. But as for me, I’m 100% lazy. The great news is that kids are helping work that slothfulness out. So I have great hope for the future.

  7. I totally get what you mean about being embarassed about “the old me”, i’ve deleted about 3 old blogs haha. I think what makes it worse for me is that I tend to believe I’m always right and I used to be so argumentative! I voted for Obama first term (19+stupid) and stuck to my guns that he was way better than mccain and by the next election I was married with two kids and actually learned about catholicism and I went on and on about how evil obama is on facebook. I think old high school friends were confused :/

  8. I am laughing so much!
    Because the genius filing system I was going to cheaply do because the cute one was too expensive is sitting on my bedroom floor for like three days…and i blame my children. I am so lame. I can read blogs until midnight but put some papers in folders………..ZZZ…Zzzzzz

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